5 Reasons Why Being a Unicorn Would Suck

Last week I presented to you all 5 Reasons Why Being a Unicorn Would Be Awesome; my homage to how much better my life would be if I were magically transformed into a unicorn.

But being a unicorn wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows.

So, I present to you...

5 Reasons Why Being a Unicorn Would Suck

1. It would be really hard to hold things with your hooves

Trying to read a book would nearly impossible.




2. Your horn wouldn't hold things very easily, either

Like cereal boxes. Cereal boxes would be hard to pick up with your horn.



3. People would probably stare at you on the bus



4. Having a horn is basically like having a giant sword on your face



Cops would probably require you to get a 'dangerous weapon' permit just to walk around.

And even that wouldn't protect you from accidentally stabbing people - imagine you're zoning off, daydreaming about how awesome being a mythical beast is, and suddenly you hear a noise.
Startled, you quickly turn to look over your shoulder.
Congratulations - you just accidentally stabbed the guy behind you.



5. Since unicorns aren't real, there's a large chance you don't even exist

And that's an existential view my fragile ego wouldn't be able to handle....

Dr. Cella's Sing Along Review

HEY, guess what?

ACT ('A Contemporary Theater') in Seattle is hosting a stage production of 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog'; the online cult classic series created by Joss Whedon.

And your favorite neighborhood blogger was there, for free, on opening night.

How did this happen, you ask?

Completely by accident.

You see, as well as being a literary expert and all-around fantastic person, my bosses wife is also heavily involved in ACT and the theater scene in Seattle.

Which leads to conversations like this:







And because my boss and his wife are so involved in the theater scene, and contribute both their time and money to shows on a very consistent basis, they get treated like rockstars.
Which is how I ended up with a fantastic seat for the (sold out) opening night of 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog' performed by the Balagan theater company.

Now, before Friday night I was completely unfamiliar with the entire cult phenomenon that is 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog'.
For those who have never heard of 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog', let me just say I pity you.
'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog' is the brain child of Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is an over the top, fantastically morally ambivalent, piece of comedy gold that is so funny it makes my hair red.




You can watch the online version here.

Also, the main character is played by Neil Patrick Harris.
That's right.
Neil Patrick Harris.

A man who is so funny I'm 99% sure that he's actually the second coming of Jesus.



Now, the stage version of 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog' performed at ACT did not include Neil Patrick Harris; but that's pretty much the only negative thing I can say about it.

The actors were fantastic, funny, and made the show their own.

Though the stage production was, as expected, a verbatum rendition of the online show, the actors liberally dosed the play with their own humor, and some side-grabbingly funny pop-culture references.

They also preformed a fantastic and original intermission show; the highlights of which include...

A cheerfully and jaw-dropping politically incorrect song called 'No Asians in the Movies'

A duet about the cut throat life of actors called '10 Dollar Solo'

And a painfully accurate portrayal of the narcissism of the acting profession in the form of a song called 'It's All About Me'





If you have never seen the online show, go watch it right now.
And, whether you've seen it or not, go check out the stage performance of 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog', playing now in Seattle as soon as possible.
Seriously.
The show is only here for a limited time, and it's already nearly sold out.
Go get your goddamn tickets, right now

Neil Patrick Jesus commands you.



















Besides the play, the rest of my night was horrific.

I forgot where I parked, and wondered around lost in the three block radius around my car for an entire hour.




Then, after asking directions from three very polite Indian gentlemen and an overly flirtatious Ethiopian gentleman, I managed to find the parking center where I'd lost my car.


At which point my GPS had an identity crisis, and decided it really would rather be a paper weight.


Which left me in an unfamiliar area of Seattle with no idea where to go to get on the freeway.

It was nearly midnight by the time I got home.
All because I was born without any sense of direction or awareness of my surroundings.

My sense of direction is as useless as a raccoon with an eggbeater.

Why You're Not Getting Vocab Words This Week... again.

After only two successful 'Cella's Weekly Vocabulary' posts (one and two), you once again have to miss out on my clever lexicography and artistic skills.

"Why", you ask?

Because I have the attention span of a goldfish, I answer.
And also, please don't ask questions, I'm in the middle of writing a blog post.

That's rude, to interrupt like that.

I'm trying so hard to study for the GRE (and part of that studying involves me drawing cartoons, apparently), but I have trouble paying attention to anything, or sticking to a weekly schedule of anything.

So instead of some awesome vocab study, you get various dinosaurs in social situations.

Because I have trouble focusing.

And dinosaurs are fun to draw.



Much more fun than studying, and spending twenty minutes coming up with a clever drawing to go with the word 'Opprobrium'.

That's not easy.

You know what is easy?

This.



Do you know how long that took?

Like ten minutes.
From start to finish, those took me ten minutes.

Most of that was spent coloring.

And during that entire time, I still haven't thought of any way to animate 'Opprobrium'.

Dinosaurs are the reason that I won't ever get into graduate school.

Australia Day!

It's Australia Day!

For those who sympathize with the continuing plight of the Indigenous Australian population, it's 'Invasion day'; and a day to remember the cruelty of man the need for cultural empathy.

For everyone else, it's a day to listen to Triple J's Hottest 100, crack a beer, fire up the BBQ, and be thankful that they live in such a great country.

And for Cella, it's a day to miss the people, and the spirit, of the Sunburnt Country.

Oh Australia.
Land of poisonous spiders and snakes.
Land of giant man-eating crocodiles.
Land of drought.
Land of floods.
Land of beer and snags.
Land of that guy that played Wolverine in the x-men movies.

So, in honor of the great land of Australia, here's a drawing of me riding a kangaroo.



Enjoy.

And have a beer for me.



Also, for anyone in Brisbane this Thursday, a fantastic up and coming Australian band called 'Young Men Dead' is playing at the Alhambra Lounge starting at 9pm.*

Check them out on Triple J's website, and swing by the Alhambra Lounge to see them

*Addresss: 12 McLachlan Street, Fortitude Valley, Brisbane

Pain Only A Woman Understands

Women put up with a lot.

And most of it we do to ourselves.

And we do it to look better.

Now, I'm not going to get up on my feminist soap box and rant and rave about how society forces women to injure themselves in order to confirm to an unrealistic, objectified and sexualised ideal.

Because I don't buy it, even for one second.

And, frankly, I find the implication insulting.

But my views on the ironically hegemonic teachings of sociology aside, we can all agree that women go to some extreme lengths to be seen as attractive.

And sometimes I think we need reminding of just how ridiculous some of these beauty rituals are.


1. Eyebrow Plucking

I have messed up eyebrows.

Normal eyebrows are supposed to look like this:



My eyebrow looks like this:




Which means, like what I assume is the majority of women, I end up having to pluck my forest of eyebrow hair into a semi-manageable garden of eyebrow hair.

Which I wouldn't mind if it didn't hurt like a bitch.

And since my skin is overly sensitive, plucking my eyebrows makes the entire area above my eye turn red.



Also, for an unknown reason, it makes me sneeze.






2. Shaving

I hate being hairy.
I also hate shaving.
Thankfully for Joshua, I hate being hairy just a tiny bit more than I hate shaving, otherwise I probably would have given it up years ago.

It's not the time consuming nature of shaving, or the inconvenience of it, that I hate.
Oh no.
It's that exact moment when you nic yourself with a razor.





Five seconds later...



3. Waxing

The only thing worse than shaving, is waxing.
Now, I've only ever done this twice.

The first time, I couldn't get the wax to lift from my skin. Which left me a giant sticky, and still hairy, blob.



The second time, I bought a better waxing kit, and tried again.






Nothing could be more painful than that experience.

But I was determined to finish the job.

This is exactly why they make Tylenol and beer. And why they should package both of those together with waxing kits.




When I was sufficiently numbed to pain, I tried again.




In the end, I ended up as a sticky blob again. Only this time I was red, hairy, and drunk.



4. Bending

Yoga is great for exercise and relaxation.
For people that can bend, at least.

I don't fit into that category.
You see, I can't even touch my toes.



But I insist on doing yoga.

5 Reasons Why Being a Unicorn Would Be Awesome

If there was a magical spell that could make me into any animal, I would pick a Unicorn.



Why?

Because being a Unicorn would be awesome.

5 Reasons Why Being a Unicorn Would Be Awesome:

1. You would always have a place to put your tie



2. Also, your hat



3. Reaching things that were really high up would be easy



4. It would work for bagels, too



5. You could win a lot of money at bars