The Show Where Nothing Happens... Slowly.

It's finally October 31st, which means I'll spend all day curled up on the couch watching horror films and scary stories, while stuffing my face with 'fun sized' candy bars.



But, today, when I turned on the TV, instead of having thirteen million horror movies to choose from, there was only one. But there were thirteen million 'ghost hunter' shows running marathons on every channel I clicked to.

Now, all 'I spook therefore I am' philosophical debating as to whether or not ghosts exist aside, I just plain don't like these shows. And here's why:

1. Everything always happens just off camera

Whenever someone in these shows suddenly shouts out "JESUS CHRIST - DID YOU SEE THAT?", it becomes apparent that all cameras are pointing the wrong direction.
"Oh man, I swear to god, I just saw something right in the only corner where no one was pointing a camera, I can't believe it. It was amazing, I wish you guys saw it, full proof right there and we missed it"

I've seen three episodes of a ghost hunter show just this morning, and this exact situation has happened in all three. Someone jumps and screams, and says:
1) They saw something
2) They felt something
3) They heard something

...which none of the expensive recording equipment picked up on.
Which is fine, I can live with that - maybe ghosts are camera shy. Maybe they wait until the exact moment when everyone is facing away from them to try and spook someone.

Which is why, if this keeps happening again and again, you'd think SOMEONE would have thought to cover the entire room in cameras.
Or even just covered the investigators in cameras. So if they see something out of the corner of their eye, they can say "Well, thank god for my 'corner of the eye' camera, it caught the whole thing".

2. Ghosts are, apparently, photophobic

When they do catch something camera, it's so dark that you can't really tell what's happening.



"Oh man... did you hear something?"



"JESUS CHRIST, LOOK AT THAT ARE YOU SEEING THAT?!?!"



"Oh man. Oh man, that was so scary. Hold on, lets replay that to see if we caught that on camera..."



"Oh thank god, we got it, that's great. People cannot deny that is proof of a ghost."

Is there some reason that ghosts can't appear if the lights are on? Are ghosts photophobic?
This is something I've never understood - people report ghost activity with the lights on all the time; why would people supposedly hunting these same ghosts decide that it has to be done in the dark where the cameras are less effective? And where they are the least able to trust their vision?

Even if they decide that ghost activity is dead (ba dum dum chhhh) when the lights are on, why can't they get better night vision for their cameras? Or at least wear night vision goggles?
Now, some of these shows have really great night vision cameras. Great quality.
But none of the ghost hunters that I've seen wear night vision goggles.
It's not like they're super expensive, or even hard to find:



Ebay is there to fill your ghost hunting needs. And that's just a portion of the first page.

3. Ghosts hunters are, apparently, epileptic

This is an even worse offender than lack of night vision.
As soon as something does happen, the people holding the cameras suddenly develop epilepsy and can't, for the life of them, hold the camera straight anymore.
Which is fine, if I saw I ghost I'd probably shake not only the camera but the people around me as well, out of complete fear and panic.

And some shows are smart enough to put cameras in the house, mounted on the walls and corners, in addition to using the hand held cameras.

But, here's the worst, even the shows which have mounted cameras rely mainly on the hand held ones, even when something happens. Which you can't see, because the camera is shaking so badly.






"Shit, sorry guys, the ghosts are fucking with my auto-focus, give me a second..."


You'd think, at this point, they'd show the image from the mounted camera.
But no.
They don't.

For reasons I cannot understand it is only when the hunters 'see' something that the producers forget that the mounted cameras even exist. So we're never show the non-shaky image of what supposedly happened.

4. They only ever spend one night

So, you're a ghost hunter and you spend your entire career trying to get proof to show those fat-cat scientist that you were right all along.

But, for some reason, this only consists of ever spending one night at any location.

I just... this boggles my mind.
If you find a location that is especially active (I assume that someone out there has created a 'haunted scale' where one is your grandmas kitchen when cookies are in the oven and 10 is that house in Paranormal Activity), why not stay there, like, a week? I mean, aren't you pretty much guaranteed to get proof then?



(If ghosts are real and you stay at this place for a month, constantly filming it, it is impossible for you not to catch a ghost on camera)


And don't tell me that money is a problem here. If your entire life is dedicated to catch ghosts on tape, then you're probably willing to spend just about anything to reach that goal. Especially considering how much fucking money you'll get if you can prove ghosts aren't a figment of your imagination, and show all those jocks from high school who dared to make fun of you that your life mattered.

Just... rent a really haunted hotel, for like, a week. And put fucking cameras EVERYWHERE.

5. The Ghost Hunting Equipment makes no sense whatsoever

So you're a ghost hunter, and you've realized by now that ghosts will only appear to you when your camera is facing somewhere else, in pitch black, and they will be super blurry; how do you prove there are ghosts in a location, then?

The answer?
An EMF meter, apparently.



Now, this is used to make ghost hunting seem more scientific. If you can measure ghost activity then you have proof of a haunting.

But what exactly is an EMF meter?
Well, it measures ElectroMagnetic Fields (ergo, EMF).

And why do ghosts emit an electromagnetic field?

No fucking idea.

There is no explanation for this at all.

Has someone caught a ghost and found out that, holy moley, they emit a lot of electricity?
No.
No, that has not happened.

What HAS happened is people notice that the EMF spikes in places where there is a lot of reported activity.

Let me go over this logic with you:
The EMF is proof that there is a haunting.
Because places where there is a reported haunting have high EMFs.

Lets go over that, one more time:
We know that an EMF measures ghosts, because places where people have reported seeing ghosts have high EMF readings. Thus, we can prove a place is haunted if it has a high EMF reading.

That is the definition of a circular argument.

This is the equivalent of me telling you that there is a unicorn in my sock drawer. When I tell you this, you also notice that your metal detector goes off around my sock drawer. So, you decide that the most useful tool in hunting for unicorns must be a metal detector.

Do you know what else emits an electromagnetic field?

Fucking everything.

Your cellphone.
Your microwave.
Your TV.
Your video camera.

Wait.
Wait.
Lets back that up.
Rewind, replay.
Your video camera.
So all that equipment you're using to video tape your ghosts? Well it's interfering with all the other equipment you're using to prove ghosts are even there to be filmed.

You know what else emits a natural EMF?

The motherfucking planet Earth.



6. I can't watch these shows for more than a few hours without getting so upset I write a blog post about it

And that's why I'm now playing wii tennis, even though my EMF tells me it's probably haunted.

Things I Miss About Being a Kid...

Being a kid was the best experience of my life.
And, really, I think being a kid is the best experience of anyone's life.

But we all take it for granted.

Only now can I look back and say, 'Yep, being a kid was the best time ever'


So, to remind myself of all the great things I'm missing, I made a short list of reasons why being a kid was amazing.


1. Everything was free.

When you grow up, suddenly you have to buy everything.
Soap, food, clothes, toys, all of it.

This wasn't the case when I was a kid.

Because that's what parents are for.



If you wanted cookies, you just asked and BAM you got cookies.

That's not to say I got everything I asked for when I was little.






But now I actually have to buy things myself, which leads to this exact situation every time I go shopping:











2. Lunch

Lunch was great when I was a kid.
Lunch magically appeared whenever you said the mystical, ancient words "I'm hungry".

Suddenly, in five to ten minutes, lunch would be there, ready to be eaten.
It was a miracle.

But try doing that as an adult. Suddenly the magic words stop working.

Even packed school lunches were great.









But now, I have to make my lunch.

And most of the time, I don't have any food because I spent all my money on Sunny D.

I even have to make the lunches that I take to work.


When I realized this tragedy, by the way, I came up with the great idea of just making myself peanut butter sandwiches every morning.
You put some peanut butter between two pieces of bread, and BAM you're all set.

So I begged my father to pick up some peanut butter at Coscto, in exchange for some of my Sunny D and the Halloween candy I bought instead of milk.

The only problem with Coscto is that most of their products are larger than I am (I could literally make myself a comfortable room out of the amount of toilet paper you can buy in one package at Coscto).

Here is a rough estimate of the size of the peanut butter container my father returned with:



Also, it was Adams peanut butter, which everyone knows is the best peanut butter available.

It's so good, in fact, and so natural, that you have to mix it yourself.
Here's what Adams peanut butter looks like before you mix it:



And you mix all that peanut goodness together to make the most delicious peanut butter available.

Which is fine, when you're mixing a small jar of the stuff.

But not so fine when the jar is roughly the size of my body.



I decided a butter knife would be long enough to reach the peanut-buttery goodness at the bottom.



This was a mistake.



All I accomplished was managing to cover my entire arm in peanut butter oil.




Even worse, my eventually finished and very oily sandwich ended up getting squished in my bag, leaving me with a half-flat half-dripping monstrosity that I had to eat.



I'd have given anything for a sack lunch full of unicorns and rainbows.


3. Believing that, one day, you'll eventually grow up.

This was a big deal to me when I was a kid. I always believed, no matter what, that somehow when I got older everything was going to be better.

When I got older, I'd be 6 feet tall and a super model. I'd have 15 boyfriends, and everyone would love me.
But, most of all, I'd know my limits.

You see, when I was a kid, I didn't understand my limits at all.









3am that night:



Now that I'm a bon-a-fide adult, you'd assume I'd have learned that scary stories are beyond my tolerance level.

You would be very wrong.



3am that night: