Cellaphobic: Things I Don't Understand...

1. Traffic:

We've all been on the freeway during rush hour when you're absolutely certain that getting out and walking would actually be faster.
No one is moving. It's bumper to bumper, and your car starts measuring your distance in inches per hour.

I deal with this every day.

And then, suddenly, traffic starts moving forward.
You go from 3 miles an hour to 60 in just a few seconds.
Magically, every bad driver has disappeared, despite the fact that there isn't an exit in ages

This is confusing in two different ways.
First, why the fuck were we stopped in the first place? The speed limit is 60. Even with 3,000 people all trying to get to the same place, there is no reason we shouldn't ALL be going 60. I don't know why more people somehow equals stopped traffic.

I like to think that it's not people being stupid, but something actually physically blocking the road.
Like a cow.

Or in really bad traffic, a dragon.

That at least makes sense. If there was a dragon on the road, of course traffic wouldn't move until he flew back to terrorize a castle and hold some princess hostage.

The second reason traffic is so perplexing to me is that, at some point, it feels like 90% of the cars you were just stuck in traffic with magically disappear. Like a wizard suddenly swooped down and gave them wings, and they flew away, and traffic cleared up.

This happens to me on the 520 bridge. And let me make this very clear; traffic does NOT clear up until, suddenly, I'm at the very center of the bridge. There is no explanation besides flying cars that explains this. People cannot exit a bridge. Flying cars is the only thing that makes sense.

2. Babies.
Don't get me wrong - babies are easy to understand. Because they're stupid.
But what I don't understand is the DRAW of babies. Women get so excited about babies.

I doubt I'm ever going to have children of my own, so it will be up to my brother to continue our genetic line. Babies scare me. They're way too fragile (why would evolution put a soft spot on the TOP of their head, THE MOST LIKELY PLACE FOR THEM TO FALL ON), and they can't experience empathy, which makes them little sociopaths.

If I want something that's going to smell, take up my time, wake me up because it demands attention, and that will use my house as a toilet, I'll get a dog. Because then at least I wont have to put it through college.

But the number one thing I don't understand about babies is why everyone demands you hold them
I'm clumsy. At the best of times, I'll only manage to break a few things throughout the day.
This is why I should never ever be allowed near children. But people still insist I hold their child. I feel like this is some kind of test, and inevitably I always fail.

3. People who speak English as a first language, but still manage to butcher the language.

Here are some examples:

"Well, for all intensive purposes, that is correct"