Clearly not an adult yet

In order to avoid disagreements over money, which can easily tear great relationships apart, my father and I agreed it would be best to document all exchanges of rent/my monthly expenses through e-mail.

This was a great idea, until I remembered that I still behave much like a 5 year old, and lack the ability to take anything seriously.
The following is our e-mail exchange this morning regarding the month of August (all dollar amounts have been replaced with Xs).

Marcella Cline to jcline
show details 11:48 AM


For the month of August I authorise my father, Jack Cline, to remove X from my Chase account to be dolled out in the following:
X for rent and various expenses
X toward the balance of my car, reducing the debt to X
And finally $0 toward the upkeep of Samual Jackson, the pony I was promised as I child and never given.

To which I received the following e-mail.

jcline@XXXXXXXX to me
show details 12:11 PM


You can't name a pony Samual Jackson. I mean, REALLY?

No wonder no one ever gives you ponies.

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to grow up, and out of my 'silly phase'.
But then I talk to my father, and I realise this will likely never happen.

Spiders are One of the Top 10 Causes of Car Accidents*

I've been working on a blog post about Regression Man and Bag Monkey - two cartoon characters I drew for friends over the years, and am still very fond of.

Unfortunately, you'll have to wait for that delightful post.

Because this happened:

I was driving to work Tuesday morning, enjoying the beautiful day, and listening to a highly repetitive tape of GRE words.




"Number 61: Bifurcate. Verb. B - I - F - U - R - C - A - T - E. To divide into two parts"



"Number 62: Blithe. Adjective. B - L - I - T - H - E. Joyful. Cheerful without appropriate thought."







"Number 63: Bolster. Verb. B - O - L - S - T - E - R. To prop up or support."





"Number 64: Cabal. Noun. C - A - B - A - L....








Now, I've lived in a country with some of the scariest spiders in the world.
I have faced pure evil in the form of a spider the size of a dinner plate (don't believe me? Google image Huntsman spider. I dare you)

But I have never been trapped in a car with a spider before this moment. Especially not a fluorescent orange garden spider.

I tried desperately to focus on the road.
But the spider was rather persistent.






I drove the rest of the way, keeping as far away from the spider as possible.










Normally, I never kill spiders. I get Joshua to pick them up and take them outside.

I never understand killing things. It's one of the many reasons I'd be a terrible hunter (that, and my bad vision, aim, and tendency to startle when I hear loud noises. I'd be very lucky if I went 5 mins without shooting someone).

But Joshua was very, very far away. And the spider was very, very close.
I couldn't bring myself to pick him up.

And I knew I couldn't leave him in my car...

There was only one thing to do...































I'm so, so sorry, Mr. Spider.

You will be missed.














*This is actually a total lie. I can't find any statistics to back this up... but doesn't it SOUND like something that could be true?

Things I Don't Understand...

1. Traffic:

We've all been on the freeway during rush hour when you're absolutely certain that getting out and walking would actually be faster.
No one is moving. It's bumper to bumper, and your car starts measuring your distance in inches per hour.

I deal with this every day.





And then, suddenly, traffic starts moving forward.
You go from 3 miles an hour to 60 in just a few seconds.
Magically, every bad driver has disappeared, despite the fact that there isn't an exit in ages





This is confusing in two different ways.
First, why the fuck were we stopped in the first place? The speed limit is 60. Even with 3,000 people all trying to get to the same place, there is no reason we shouldn't ALL be going 60. I don't know why more people somehow equals stopped traffic.

I like to think that it's not people being stupid, but something actually physically blocking the road.
Like a cow.


Or in really bad traffic, a dragon.



That at least makes sense. If there was a dragon on the road, of course traffic wouldn't move until he flew back to terrorize a castle and hold some princess hostage.

The second reason traffic is so perplexing to me is that, at some point, it feels like 90% of the cars you were just stuck in traffic with magically disappear. Like a wizard suddenly swooped down and gave them wings, and they flew away, and traffic cleared up.



This happens to me on the 520 bridge. And let me make this very clear; traffic does NOT clear up until, suddenly, I'm at the very center of the bridge. There is no explanation besides flying cars that explains this. People cannot exit a bridge. Flying cars is the only thing that makes sense.

2. Babies.
Don't get me wrong - babies are easy to understand. Because they're stupid.
But what I don't understand is the DRAW of babies. Women get so excited about babies.

I doubt I'm ever going to have children of my own, so it will be up to my brother to continue our genetic line. Babies scare me. They're way too fragile (why would evolution put a soft spot on the TOP of their head, THE MOST LIKELY PLACE FOR THEM TO FALL ON), and they can't experience empathy, which makes them little sociopaths.

If I want something that's going to smell, take up my time, wake me up because it demands attention, and that will use my house as a toilet, I'll get a dog. Because then at least I wont have to put it through college.



But the number one thing I don't understand about babies is why everyone demands you hold them
I'm clumsy. At the best of times, I'll only manage to break a few things throughout the day.
This is why I should never ever be allowed near children. But people still insist I hold their child. I feel like this is some kind of test, and inevitably I always fail.








3. People who speak English as a first language, but still manage to butcher the language.

Here are some examples:

"Well, for all intensive purposes, that is correct"



"Lets nip this problem in the butt"



"Hold on, I have to stop by the ATM machine"




"I really don't care anymore - I'm ambivalent to it"




And, finally...
4. Loofahs

Cella Awards - Round One

Kallista:
Most likely to take over the world.




Alma:
Most likely to scare the pants off of me.






Nicole:
Most likely to Mcgyver a solution to a problem.



Coutney:
Most likely to be diagnosed with a rare disease.


Allisyn:
Most likely to get me drunk



Carter:
Most likely to know when I'm bullshitting





(Disclaimer: If you were not nominated for a Cella award, calm down. These were just the first people who jumped into my head to cartoon.)

(More Disclaimers: Joshua was supposed to win a Cella award as well, but I'm finding his facial hair incredibly difficult to draw. Until I can draw a goatee, Joshua has only won a Cella award in spirit).

(Last Disclaimer: No, Carter, I refuse to draw your beard)