The Last Airbender: Presented in 18 Comics

Like all of you, I've been hearing the reviews for 'The Last Airbender' and thinking to myself 'it can't be that bad'.

Last weekend I sat down to watch M. Night Shamalamadingdongs latest failure and came to the conclusion that, really, it wasn't that bad.

It was far, far worse than anyone had prepared me for.

It was almost as if someone had TRIED to make this the worst possible movie. The acting was so bad that I couldn't help but think that the actors were trying to seem as unbelievable as possible ("It's a new form of Method Acting that I call 'I can't believe people are paying to watch this'"), the camera angles were perplexing, and nearly every character's motivation seemed to be 'Fuck it, why not?'.

I was so upset with wasting my time on this movie, that I decided to make sure none of you did the same thing. And so, I've condensed the movie into the following 18 comics - so you can have the same experience I did, for free, without wasting two hours of your life (you can spend those two extra hours baking me a cake for making this for you!)

Enjoy.

The Last Airbender.

Our story opens with a pony-tail clad brother and his equally sexually ambiguous sister hunting on what appears to be Antarctica, minus the penguins.




In case you didn't notice that these two were walking across ice fields, the audience is treated to an excruciatingly long birds-eye-view shot of them. Walking. Across ice.
As the seconds tick by you realize this is foreshadowing the feeling of confusion, impatience, and anger you will soon experience through the rest of the movie.

Suddenly, we're back on ground level and out characters stumble across a light shinning under the ice.
Doing what any sane person would, they relentlessly beat the ice underneath them to find out what it is.
(Try this at home, kids!)





Turns out it's a boy, buried under the ice.



As a special treat to the audience, the robot actors give us their best impression of the human emotion 'surprise'.



Being responsible children, they bring the stranger to their war-devastated village, knowing nothing about him or why he was trapped under the fucking ice in the middle of no where.

Only a few seconds after this, the evil Fire-Tribe with-the-best-timing-ever-seen-in any-movie-ever shows up and demands that the village round up their elderly (I imagine for stories and hot cocoa, since the real reason is never given).

Main evil-Fire guy (whom we learn is the son of evil-Fire King) catches sight of triangle head, and realizes that he's probably worth more to his tribe than old people who will spend the entire trip back asking if they're there yet, and explaining to them why everything was better in their day, when people didn't spend hours in front of the TV.

Evil-Fire guy, being evil, decides to kidnap triangle head.









Upset at the loss of their new friend, whom they have no actual relationship with or responsibility to, our brother and sister team consult with their grandmother about what to do.
She tells them a long, rambling story about how the spirit world is just like our world, but... like, fifty times better, and I'm so not even kidding you, kids. They have like animals right? But they're like combination of our animals, and that's like wicked.

She also informs them that the kid they pulled out of the ice is the Avatar, and that makes him like Jesus.
Except that when he's killed, he just reincarnates, so he's more like Jesus and the Dali Lama combined.
It's also his destiny to save mankind.

The mechanism by which he's apparently going to save them all is explained by only a simple, confusing sentence.



The sister decides they MUST rescue this poor boy, and restore order to the world. The brother is less than enthusiastic.



But how will they chase after the Fire-Benders?!?! Oh Noes!

HOLY CRAP SUDDENLY THERE'S A FLYING TEDDY BEAR THAT WAS ALSO IN THE ICE!



Not that it really matters, since as they fly to save the Avatar he's doing pretty well saving himself.





Unable to defend against his mighty air laser, the Fire-Tribe is temporarily defeated.
Thus begins our heroes journey.

Their first stop is the Earth-Tribe, where all the Earth-Benders have been imprisoned.
And by imprisoned, I mean they're just sitting around on their asses, not doing anything, with nothing keeping them their but vague threats from the Fire-Tribe.

The Avatar reminds them that the ONE WEAPON THEY CAN USE IS UNDER THEIR FEET THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME, SO USE IT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.





This is when Avatar makes the startlingly confession that he never learned Water-Bending. But not to worry! Our heroes head to the North Water-Tribe, where he seems to learn it in under a minute, without the decency of a montage.
(If movies have taught me one thing, and god willing that might be the case, it's that you can't learn anything in a short period of time without a montage).



While this is happening, we learn that the main evil-Fire guy has more depth to his character, which still doesn't make him interesting enough for me to care.



About this point I actually stopped paying attention, and started thinking of ways to harm those involved in the making of this movie.

This was me:




The rest of the movie passed as a psychotic blur, in my eyes.
At one point there was a 'flying lemur bat', which will terrify my dreams for years to come.




And a big battle, where nothing really happened.




The end.


My conclusion:
This is likely the worst movie I've ever seen... and I've seen some bad movies*.

I'm not claiming this lightly, mind you.
I'm so easily entertained that someone could splice together 2 hours of kittens playing, and I would probably sit mesmerized in front of the TV until it was over, and think nothing of it.



I give The Last Airbender a score of 3 out of 10. Even adding a few hours of kittens would barely bring it up to a 4.

*Previously the title of 'worst movie ever seen' was a horror film from the 50's so perplexing it left me and a group of friends questioning our sanity for weeks. This downright god-awful film included a scene whereupon being introduced to a haunted house one character in the background exclaims 'This would be a great place for an orgy!'. We spent the rest of the movie secretly terrified it was actually a porn, and that it was just building up to the action. Thankfully, there was relatively little nudity in the rest of the film, and the idea of a haunted orgy was never brought up again.