The 'Asshole Theory'

After my uneventful drive to work this morning (during which I entertained numerous cars by shouting GRE words at them as I drove by; "ATTENUATE!" I scream, "IT MEANS TO REDUCE IN FORCE OR TO WEAKEN!"), I pulled into the multi-level car garage where I park, and immediately found myself behind a large, silver SUV.

There's nothing abnormal about this - every morning I get stuck behind another car, and wait patiently for them to remember which pedal is the gas (spoiler: it's on the right). It's normally someone visiting the hospital, so they're trying to find parking on the higher levels, which is always impossible. I have to wait while they figure this out, and slowly make their way through the garage.
This woman, however, had no trouble locating the gas. She did have trouble figuring out what "No Right Turn: WRONG WAY" apparently means.

Let me explain: the hospital parking garage is divided into multiple layers, all named after various animals (I park on F, for Fox. I can actually park on E for Elephant, where there are plenty of spots as well, but frankly my self-esteem can't take that in the morning). In order to get from Alligator to the lower levels one has to circle around each descending level.

There IS a way to get down each level WITHOUT fully circling each oddly-named layer. I call this the 'Asshole Way'.
The Asshole Way involves immediately turning right, and going through the middle of the level, which is (supposedly) a one way section, ignoring all of the 'WRONG WAY' and 'GO BACK' signs.
I see this happen a lot. But you see it on the LOWER levels, where there are plenty of open spaces, and no cars, and we employees (who are required to park as inconveniently far from the entrances as possible, due to reasons that I'm sure make sense) still need to make our way down through the animal kingdom.

This woman in the silver SUV proceeded to embrace the Asshole Way starting at Alligator.
Where there are plenty of cars.
Several of which were already using the lane she chose to barrel through, going in the appropriate direction.

Did this stop Crazy SUV Woman? (If you said 'yes, of course', congrats! You failed the Turing test.)
No, it did not stop her. She simply honked at them until they reversed and let her through.

Now before you defend her and say she did not notice it was one way, consider these three things:

1. There are signs EVERYWHERE saying this

2. She used her employee passcard to enter the lower levels, so obviously she works here and drives here everyday

3. Shut up

I was shocked. Especially considering that going the right way takes (I actually timed it today, to prove a point) 8 seconds longer. That means this woman saved less than one minute, while risking both her life, and the lives of those around her.

The story doesn't end there.
I followed her at a distance (you never want to get too close to crazy people), and thanked the various gods when she parked a level above me.
I proceeded down, parked my little M&M, did my routine pointing at the 'Fox' sign and psyching myself up by saying "Yeah you are, YOU FOX", and got in the elevator.
Which stopped at the next floor.
To admit SUV woman.

Here was my dilemma: I was pissed off. My asshole quota for the month has already been met, and I just saw this woman force an elderly couple to reverse for fifteen feet, around a blind corner, or risk being run over by her massive Asshole transportation vehicle.

But I didn't say anything.

The entire ride up all I can think of is great things to say to her.
Great things like:

"Don't you love those 'One Way' lanes? I mean, before them I had to buy a gun to needlessly endanger peoples lives. Now it's so much more convenient for me."

And "I saw you drive the wrong way all the way down to your level. I just wanted to say way to go. I also enjoy standing up to authority by putting other people at risk. This afternoon, for example, I plan to speed through a school zone. That will show those fat cats in charge!"

And "Hey, you're an Asshole"


But you know what I said? Nothing at all.
I let her get out of the elevator without saying one goddamn word. Because our society frowns on informing people they're actually assholes. We're supposed to grit out teeth, keep quite, and then vent to our friends later - safely out of the 'Asshole zone'.

But WHY. I don't see WHY I shouldn't have told this woman what she deserves to know. She acted like an Asshole, and I hate her a little for it. The world hates her for it. I'm sure whatever god she believes in hates her for it to (he's sitting up there on his puffy cloud, shaking his head and saying "Wow. What an Asshole").
I'm sick of not being able to tell people that they're selfish, irresponsible, blind jerks. A part of me thinks, 'Maybe they don't actually know that they're being assholes. Maybe by telling them, I'd actually inspire them to be better' (incidental, this is the same part of me that thinks 'Maybe this politician will be better. I say we give him a shot!' and 'I'm sure running face first into this wall wont hurt that bad').

My point is this: I have a theory. Lets call it 'The Asshole Theory'. And it goes like this.
You don't have to be a bad person to be an Asshole. You just have to be a bad person some of the time. I have it on good authority that Paul Allen is a total Asshole. I mean, a giant Asshole. But you can't say he's a bad person, since he donates more to charity each year than we could even dream of winning in the lottery.
Being a good person doesn't stop him from being an Asshole. And probably no one tells him his an Asshole, because he's freakin' Paul Allen and he could buy and sell our sorry asses with the change he finds in his couch.

But what if we did tell him? What if the next time he's an Asshole, someone said "Hey. Stop being an Asshole"? What if we did this every time someone was a jerk? EVERYTIME someone cuts you off in line? Or changes lanes without looking, while on a cell phone? What if we took the time to let people know "You're pissing the rest of the world off. Stop it."

I think the world would gradually become a little better. We might not be able to get rid of assholishness altogether, but we might be able to reduce it to more tolerable levels.


So go out there and make the world a better place.

Call someone an Asshole.