when you're an elephant...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Bugs are Taking over our Schools
My mother recently decided to take a teaching job near her house in Hawaii. Monday was her first day preparing her new classroom, and she was less than enthusiastic with what she found there;
"It's full of bugs" she told me "There are cockroaches everywhere, and I just don't know what to do..."
This is a problem in any tropical climate; if you leave Seattle, be prepared to trade our cold and rainy days for the warm embrace of horrific bugs you wished never crawled on this planet.
But, thankfully for my mother, her daughter is a genius.
It didn't take long for me to compile a list of solutions (and their possible problems) to her cockroach woes.
So, here you are mom. You're welcome.
Solution One:
Spray the fuck out the classroom.
Problem:
The problem with this approach is pretty obvious. Namely, what is 'bug poison' is also 'children poison' (though they normally don't use that as a draw in their advertisements)
Also, children will put anything in their mouths. Toys, fingers, flamethrowers, you name it. So if it's covered in poison, chances are someones gonna die and someone else is gonna get sued.
(There is an upside to the 'kids will stick anything in their mouths' problem; see Solution Three!)
Solution Two:
Giant bug-repellent space suits (for kids!)
Problem:
First of all, expense. Space suits are expensive, even when just designed to keep out bugs. Do you have any idea how many bake sales you'd have to organize to raise that kind of cash? And no one wants to buy cookies that are covered in cockroaches.
Also, forcing children into airless suits for hours at a times is probably against some sort of law, or something. I don't know, I'm a genius not a lawyer.
Solution Three:
Tell the children the bugs are just moving candy, and watch them eat the problem away!
Problem:
Definitely illegal. And gross.
Solution Four:
Allow the cockroaches to attend class, and train them to become productive members of society.
Problem:
What problem? This idea is amazing.
How else are these cockroaches supposed to achieve their many-legged hopes and dreams? What about the little cockroach who wants to grow up to be Dr. Cockroach? Or the cockroach who wants to grow up to write the next great insect novel?
"It's full of bugs" she told me "There are cockroaches everywhere, and I just don't know what to do..."
This is a problem in any tropical climate; if you leave Seattle, be prepared to trade our cold and rainy days for the warm embrace of horrific bugs you wished never crawled on this planet.
But, thankfully for my mother, her daughter is a genius.
It didn't take long for me to compile a list of solutions (and their possible problems) to her cockroach woes.
So, here you are mom. You're welcome.
Solution One:
Spray the fuck out the classroom.
Problem:
The problem with this approach is pretty obvious. Namely, what is 'bug poison' is also 'children poison' (though they normally don't use that as a draw in their advertisements)
Also, children will put anything in their mouths. Toys, fingers, flamethrowers, you name it. So if it's covered in poison, chances are someones gonna die and someone else is gonna get sued.
(There is an upside to the 'kids will stick anything in their mouths' problem; see Solution Three!)
Solution Two:
Giant bug-repellent space suits (for kids!)
Problem:
First of all, expense. Space suits are expensive, even when just designed to keep out bugs. Do you have any idea how many bake sales you'd have to organize to raise that kind of cash? And no one wants to buy cookies that are covered in cockroaches.
Also, forcing children into airless suits for hours at a times is probably against some sort of law, or something. I don't know, I'm a genius not a lawyer.
Solution Three:
Tell the children the bugs are just moving candy, and watch them eat the problem away!
Problem:
Definitely illegal. And gross.
Solution Four:
Allow the cockroaches to attend class, and train them to become productive members of society.
Problem:
What problem? This idea is amazing.
How else are these cockroaches supposed to achieve their many-legged hopes and dreams? What about the little cockroach who wants to grow up to be Dr. Cockroach? Or the cockroach who wants to grow up to write the next great insect novel?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A Day in the Life
A Day in Cella's Life... In Pictures.
7:00am - Brought into incoherent semi-consciousness by my screeching phone.
7:05 - COFFEE
7:06 to 7:45 - INTERNET TIME!
7:50 - After gathering my things, I leave for work with a smile on my face... only to remember I'm still in my pjs.
7:55 - A rushed change into 'real people' clothes ensues.
8:00am - Now running late, I rush out the door like a weasel with its tail on fire.
8:01 - I like to imagine my car is always happy to see me in the morning. She looks forward to our morning drive.
8:05am
8:15am
8:20am
8:35am
8:45am - Finally at work, I spend most of the morning answering the phone.
10:10 - And putting away files.
11:10 - And answering the phone
11:40 - And putting away more files.
12:00 - LUNCH TIME!
12:40pm - Returning from lunch, I immediately jump back on the phone
1:30pm - Sometimes I have to alphabetize things.
This is more realistic if you realize that in my head, I'm always screaming "A GOES BEFORE B - RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
2:30pm - More files to be put away
3:40pm - More phone calls
4:10pm - The overwhelming number of files slowly takes over the office as I fight for control.
4:45pm - TIME TO LEAVE!
5:00pm
5:10pm
5:25pm
5:40pm
5:50pm - With mere moments to spare, I park at Bell Square and duck into the bathroom to change. I always feel like Superman.
6:01pm - I race into Victoria's Secret, dodging shoppers, trying to clock in before I'm officially late. A quick glance at the schedule tells me I'll be processing for the next four hours. It is imperative to psych oneself up for this.
6:02pm - Box times are always discouraging.
6:03pm - BUT YOU MUST POWER THROUGH! The next few hours are a blur of energy, panties are everywhere, and it's a fight between (wo)man and box. THE BOX MUST NOT WIN!
6:40pm
7:30pm
8:01pm
8:10pm - After the first box, enthusiasm wanes. Suddenly the box is winning. The endless supply of panties overwhelms the senses. There is simply not enough time, and your morning coffee has long faded.
The next few hours feel like running through Jello.
9:40pm
10:00pm - Eventually a manager takes pity on me.
10:10pm - For the safety of society, I probably shouldn't drive home at this point. I do anyway. 'People have quick reflexes' I tell myself, as I swing in and out of a semi-conscious, exhaustion fueled delirium.
10:20pm - Insanity takes over.
'Where the hell am I? Why are so many people running and screaming? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MONKEYS ARE TRYING TO STEAL MY TAXES'
10:35pm - Somehow, through my divine powers of unconscious driving, I arrive home safe and sound. My first stop is my laptop. But I never make it very long before collapsing.
10:36pm
7:00am - Brought into incoherent semi-consciousness by my screeching phone.
7:05 - COFFEE
7:06 to 7:45 - INTERNET TIME!
7:50 - After gathering my things, I leave for work with a smile on my face... only to remember I'm still in my pjs.
7:55 - A rushed change into 'real people' clothes ensues.
8:00am - Now running late, I rush out the door like a weasel with its tail on fire.
8:01 - I like to imagine my car is always happy to see me in the morning. She looks forward to our morning drive.
8:05am
8:15am
8:20am
8:35am
8:45am - Finally at work, I spend most of the morning answering the phone.
10:10 - And putting away files.
11:10 - And answering the phone
11:40 - And putting away more files.
12:00 - LUNCH TIME!
12:40pm - Returning from lunch, I immediately jump back on the phone
1:30pm - Sometimes I have to alphabetize things.
This is more realistic if you realize that in my head, I'm always screaming "A GOES BEFORE B - RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
2:30pm - More files to be put away
3:40pm - More phone calls
4:10pm - The overwhelming number of files slowly takes over the office as I fight for control.
4:45pm - TIME TO LEAVE!
5:00pm
5:10pm
5:25pm
5:40pm
5:50pm - With mere moments to spare, I park at Bell Square and duck into the bathroom to change. I always feel like Superman.
6:01pm - I race into Victoria's Secret, dodging shoppers, trying to clock in before I'm officially late. A quick glance at the schedule tells me I'll be processing for the next four hours. It is imperative to psych oneself up for this.
6:02pm - Box times are always discouraging.
6:03pm - BUT YOU MUST POWER THROUGH! The next few hours are a blur of energy, panties are everywhere, and it's a fight between (wo)man and box. THE BOX MUST NOT WIN!
6:40pm
7:30pm
8:01pm
8:10pm - After the first box, enthusiasm wanes. Suddenly the box is winning. The endless supply of panties overwhelms the senses. There is simply not enough time, and your morning coffee has long faded.
The next few hours feel like running through Jello.
9:40pm
10:00pm - Eventually a manager takes pity on me.
10:10pm - For the safety of society, I probably shouldn't drive home at this point. I do anyway. 'People have quick reflexes' I tell myself, as I swing in and out of a semi-conscious, exhaustion fueled delirium.
10:20pm - Insanity takes over.
'Where the hell am I? Why are so many people running and screaming? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MONKEYS ARE TRYING TO STEAL MY TAXES'
10:35pm - Somehow, through my divine powers of unconscious driving, I arrive home safe and sound. My first stop is my laptop. But I never make it very long before collapsing.
10:36pm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)