Well, I can't say that I blame you, frankly.
After all, if I wasn't me, I'd Valentine the hell out of myself.
I'd buy myself some candles, draw myself a nice bath, maybe even surprise myself with a homemade meal of crab and garlic mashed potatoes, followed by a creme brulee shaped like a heart.
I'd be the best Valentine I ever had.
So I understand your want to be my valentine, and lavish me with expensive Valentine's day gifts, believe me, I do.
The problem is...
...most Valentine's day gifts suck.
Truth time:
This last week my poor friend Kallista has been sick as a dog, fighting off a massive cold that I probably somehow infected her with (I'm infectious, like laughter.
Also, leprosy).
Sorry, Kallista-Bunny
But being sick gave Kallista extra time to patrol the internet, and find gems like this:
'10 Ways to Say "I Love You?" The Most Ridiculous Valentine's Day Gifts on the Market'
A list of the craziest, most psychotic Valentine's Day gifts ever concocted. It includes such classic gifts as:
Heart Shaped Meat
and
The Snuggie Sutra
and, just in case that wasn't disturbing enough:
Sentimental Toilet Paper
Oh yes. Someone out there will actually buy, for Valentine's day, toilet paper that says 'I love you from top to bottom', for their sweetie.
Or, rather, their sweetie's ass.
Which brings me back to my point:
Valentine's day gifts suck
Which is why I've created this handy dandy reference post for all my wanna-be-Valentines, so that you may avoid costly Valentine's gift mistakes.
A Guide to Valentines Gift Giving
DO NOT GET ME...
Chocolate
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
Another five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Candles.
I fucking love candles.
Years ago, I thought candles were the stupidest gift ever.
'Who would pay twenty bucks for something that, if used correctly, will be burned until it no longer exists? Isn't the exactly like taking a twenty dollar bill and just... setting it on fire?' I thought, naively.
Oh how wrong I was...
A few months ago, in an effort to introduce a little relaxation into my life, I lit a few candles while I was doing some studying.
It was ... life changing.
Suddenly, I was in a field of lily's and kittens and love (I don't care if that field doesn't exist, this is my fantasy dammit), and my room smelled like everything that was ever good in the world.
Artist rendition:
Now I burn candles every night before bed, to calm myself down.
Eventually I'll burn our house down accidentally (as I'm prone to do), and look back at this post with fierce resentment.
But until that point, for the love of god, please give me more candles.
DO NOT GET ME...
Flowers.
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Ok, flowers
DO NOT GET ME...
A giant stuffed animal the size of me.
I can't shnuggle something bigger than myself (except Joshua).
Giant bears don't fit in my room.
They don't anywhere.
So after the first ten, elated minutes of giant bear happiness, you're stuck with something that takes up eight feet of space and does nothing but stare at you with dead, button eyes.
DO GET ME...
Chinese food.
Oh god, do I love Chinese food.
Also, fortune cookies.
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