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Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Valentines Day
So you want to be my Valentine, huh?
Well, I can't say that I blame you, frankly.
After all, if I wasn't me, I'd Valentine the hell out of myself.
I'd buy myself some candles, draw myself a nice bath, maybe even surprise myself with a homemade meal of crab and garlic mashed potatoes, followed by a creme brulee shaped like a heart.
I'd be the best Valentine I ever had.
So I understand your want to be my valentine, and lavish me with expensive Valentine's day gifts, believe me, I do.
The problem is...
...most Valentine's day gifts suck.
Truth time:
This last week my poor friend Kallista has been sick as a dog, fighting off a massive cold that I probably somehow infected her with (I'm infectious, like laughter.
Also, leprosy).
Sorry, Kallista-Bunny
But being sick gave Kallista extra time to patrol the internet, and find gems like this:
'10 Ways to Say "I Love You?" The Most Ridiculous Valentine's Day Gifts on the Market'
A list of the craziest, most psychotic Valentine's Day gifts ever concocted. It includes such classic gifts as:
Heart Shaped Meat
and
The Snuggie Sutra
and, just in case that wasn't disturbing enough:
Sentimental Toilet Paper
Oh yes. Someone out there will actually buy, for Valentine's day, toilet paper that says 'I love you from top to bottom', for their sweetie.
Or, rather, their sweetie's ass.
Which brings me back to my point:
Valentine's day gifts suck
Which is why I've created this handy dandy reference post for all my wanna-be-Valentines, so that you may avoid costly Valentine's gift mistakes.
A Guide to Valentines Gift Giving
DO NOT GET ME...
Chocolate
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
Another five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Candles.
I fucking love candles.
Years ago, I thought candles were the stupidest gift ever.
'Who would pay twenty bucks for something that, if used correctly, will be burned until it no longer exists? Isn't the exactly like taking a twenty dollar bill and just... setting it on fire?' I thought, naively.
Oh how wrong I was...
A few months ago, in an effort to introduce a little relaxation into my life, I lit a few candles while I was doing some studying.
It was ... life changing.
Suddenly, I was in a field of lily's and kittens and love (I don't care if that field doesn't exist, this is my fantasy dammit), and my room smelled like everything that was ever good in the world.
Artist rendition:
Now I burn candles every night before bed, to calm myself down.
Eventually I'll burn our house down accidentally (as I'm prone to do), and look back at this post with fierce resentment.
But until that point, for the love of god, please give me more candles.
DO NOT GET ME...
Flowers.
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Ok, flowers
DO NOT GET ME...
A giant stuffed animal the size of me.
I can't shnuggle something bigger than myself (except Joshua).
Giant bears don't fit in my room.
They don't anywhere.
So after the first ten, elated minutes of giant bear happiness, you're stuck with something that takes up eight feet of space and does nothing but stare at you with dead, button eyes.
DO GET ME...
Chinese food.
Oh god, do I love Chinese food.
Also, fortune cookies.
Well, I can't say that I blame you, frankly.
After all, if I wasn't me, I'd Valentine the hell out of myself.
I'd buy myself some candles, draw myself a nice bath, maybe even surprise myself with a homemade meal of crab and garlic mashed potatoes, followed by a creme brulee shaped like a heart.
I'd be the best Valentine I ever had.
So I understand your want to be my valentine, and lavish me with expensive Valentine's day gifts, believe me, I do.
The problem is...
...most Valentine's day gifts suck.
Truth time:
This last week my poor friend Kallista has been sick as a dog, fighting off a massive cold that I probably somehow infected her with (I'm infectious, like laughter.
Also, leprosy).
Sorry, Kallista-Bunny
But being sick gave Kallista extra time to patrol the internet, and find gems like this:
'10 Ways to Say "I Love You?" The Most Ridiculous Valentine's Day Gifts on the Market'
A list of the craziest, most psychotic Valentine's Day gifts ever concocted. It includes such classic gifts as:
Heart Shaped Meat
and
The Snuggie Sutra
and, just in case that wasn't disturbing enough:
Sentimental Toilet Paper
Oh yes. Someone out there will actually buy, for Valentine's day, toilet paper that says 'I love you from top to bottom', for their sweetie.
Or, rather, their sweetie's ass.
Which brings me back to my point:
Valentine's day gifts suck
Which is why I've created this handy dandy reference post for all my wanna-be-Valentines, so that you may avoid costly Valentine's gift mistakes.
A Guide to Valentines Gift Giving
DO NOT GET ME...
Chocolate
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
Another five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Candles.
I fucking love candles.
Years ago, I thought candles were the stupidest gift ever.
'Who would pay twenty bucks for something that, if used correctly, will be burned until it no longer exists? Isn't the exactly like taking a twenty dollar bill and just... setting it on fire?' I thought, naively.
Oh how wrong I was...
A few months ago, in an effort to introduce a little relaxation into my life, I lit a few candles while I was doing some studying.
It was ... life changing.
Suddenly, I was in a field of lily's and kittens and love (I don't care if that field doesn't exist, this is my fantasy dammit), and my room smelled like everything that was ever good in the world.
Artist rendition:
Now I burn candles every night before bed, to calm myself down.
Eventually I'll burn our house down accidentally (as I'm prone to do), and look back at this post with fierce resentment.
But until that point, for the love of god, please give me more candles.
DO NOT GET ME...
Flowers.
Because this only ends one way:
Five minutes later...
DO GET ME...
Ok, flowers
DO NOT GET ME...
A giant stuffed animal the size of me.
I can't shnuggle something bigger than myself (except Joshua).
Giant bears don't fit in my room.
They don't anywhere.
So after the first ten, elated minutes of giant bear happiness, you're stuck with something that takes up eight feet of space and does nothing but stare at you with dead, button eyes.
DO GET ME...
Chinese food.
Oh god, do I love Chinese food.
Also, fortune cookies.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Cella's Weekly Vocabulary: #4
1. Paragon: noun (paar uh gon)
Definition: a model of excellence or perfection.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: She's the paragon of what a judge should be: honest, intelligent and just.
Cella's Sentence: Cella is the paragon of what everything should be: ultra super awesome.
2. Opine: verb (oh pien)
Definition: to express an opinion
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: At the "let's Chat Talk Show", the audience member opined that the guest was in the wrong.
Cella's Sentence: In the Pacific Northwest, it's not uncommon to hear even the pine trees opine about the weather.
3. Seraphic: adj (seh rah fihk)
Definition: angelic, sweet.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Selena's seraphic appearance belied her nasty, bitter personality.
Cella's Sentence: Kittens may appear seraphic, and fuzzy. But, for the most part, it's a lie, to lure you into a false sense of security.
4. Specious: adj (spee shuhs)
Definition: having the ring of truth but actually being untrue
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: After I followed up with some research on the matter, I realized that the charismatic politician's argument had been specious.
Cella's Sentence: My previous claim that Dino Rossi eats kittens may have been specious. Or, at least, not proven as of yet.
5. Rancor: noun (raan kukr)
Definition: bitter hatred
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Having been teased mercilessly for years, Jeff became filled with rancor toward those who had humiliated him.
Cella's Sentence: Even rancor does not come close to describing the absolute contempt I have for brussel sprouts
Cella Note: After spending all this last week studying at least two hours a day, I spent this entire Saturday watching Nip/Tuck in my pjs.
I have, officially, forgotten everything that I learned.
It has been replaced by soap opera drama, and the haunting image of what I'm convinced is Michael Jackson's long lost child.
Let's just hope there's a section in the GRE on sexually addicted and repressed plastic surgeons.
Definition: a model of excellence or perfection.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: She's the paragon of what a judge should be: honest, intelligent and just.
Cella's Sentence: Cella is the paragon of what everything should be: ultra super awesome.
2. Opine: verb (oh pien)
Definition: to express an opinion
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: At the "let's Chat Talk Show", the audience member opined that the guest was in the wrong.
Cella's Sentence: In the Pacific Northwest, it's not uncommon to hear even the pine trees opine about the weather.
3. Seraphic: adj (seh rah fihk)
Definition: angelic, sweet.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Selena's seraphic appearance belied her nasty, bitter personality.
Cella's Sentence: Kittens may appear seraphic, and fuzzy. But, for the most part, it's a lie, to lure you into a false sense of security.
4. Specious: adj (spee shuhs)
Definition: having the ring of truth but actually being untrue
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: After I followed up with some research on the matter, I realized that the charismatic politician's argument had been specious.
Cella's Sentence: My previous claim that Dino Rossi eats kittens may have been specious. Or, at least, not proven as of yet.
5. Rancor: noun (raan kukr)
Definition: bitter hatred
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Having been teased mercilessly for years, Jeff became filled with rancor toward those who had humiliated him.
Cella's Sentence: Even rancor does not come close to describing the absolute contempt I have for brussel sprouts
Cella Note: After spending all this last week studying at least two hours a day, I spent this entire Saturday watching Nip/Tuck in my pjs.
I have, officially, forgotten everything that I learned.
It has been replaced by soap opera drama, and the haunting image of what I'm convinced is Michael Jackson's long lost child.
Let's just hope there's a section in the GRE on sexually addicted and repressed plastic surgeons.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
My Life... As a Ginger
My name is Marcella...
And I'm a red head.
Well, sort of.
You see, my natural hair color is not exactly what you'd classify as 'interesting'.
More accurate adjectives include 'boring', 'bland' and 'similar to wheat covered in mud'.
This is my natural color:
(this is also what I look like when Joshua forgets to take my scissors away during finals week, when I have a habit of chopping off all my hair).
I hate my natural color.
Which is why I dye it.
For those who have never dyed their hair, it's a long and exhausting process.
Starting with the moment you notice those tell-tale roots.
Step One: Picking Out Your Color
This step is guaranteed to fail, because you can never tell what color you're getting.
First of all, the color names are completely unhelpful.
Like Crayola, hair dye companies have decided that women are too stupid to buy something named 'Brown' and 'Slightly darker brown'.
Instead, they think we want names like "Chesnut in Fall' or 'Temptress' or 'Summer Breeze' or 'Light shining through stained glass near a cabin on the lake, while dolphins frolic near by with otters'.
That doesn't tell me anything about the color. That tells me people who name these things are psychotic, or probably literature majors (or both).
Secondly, the pictures of attractive models with flowing locks of pure silk plastered on the front of every box serve only to distract you from the color inside. You end up buying the color with the prettiest model on the front, only to get home and realize that you actually didn't want 'Sunset Gold' at all.
And, finally, the color will never look like the box. Ever.
That is an ugly fact you just have to accept, women. It will always be two shades too dark or two shades too light, or actually turn your hair purple.
Life with it.
Step Two: Inventory
In any given box of hair dye, you'll get the following items:
Many, many tiny bottles of smelly liquid.
Shampoo and conditioner.
A big bottle you're supposed to use to mix all those tiny bottles of smelly liquid.
Gloves.
And incomprehensible instructions (I assume. I never actually read the instructions. Instructions are for people with no sense of adventure).
Which leads us to...
Step Three: Fucking it up
You will fuck it up.
And it will be your fault.
Just pray you notice your fuck up before you put the dye on your hair.
Step Four: Picking Out Your Color... Again
Step Five: Properly Mixing The Chemicals
Step Six: Covering Your Head in Chemicals
Step Seven: Waiting
Step Eight: Waiting...
Step Nine: More Waiting...
Step Ten: Washing it all out
This is my favorite part, because my dye comes off as bright red, and it makes me look and feel like the prom scene in Carrie.
I often reenact this scene in my shower.
Don't judge me.
And, finally,
Step Eleven: Realizing that you Missed a Huge Section of Hair
And I'm a red head.
Well, sort of.
You see, my natural hair color is not exactly what you'd classify as 'interesting'.
More accurate adjectives include 'boring', 'bland' and 'similar to wheat covered in mud'.
This is my natural color:
(this is also what I look like when Joshua forgets to take my scissors away during finals week, when I have a habit of chopping off all my hair).
I hate my natural color.
Which is why I dye it.
For those who have never dyed their hair, it's a long and exhausting process.
Starting with the moment you notice those tell-tale roots.
Step One: Picking Out Your Color
This step is guaranteed to fail, because you can never tell what color you're getting.
First of all, the color names are completely unhelpful.
Like Crayola, hair dye companies have decided that women are too stupid to buy something named 'Brown' and 'Slightly darker brown'.
Instead, they think we want names like "Chesnut in Fall' or 'Temptress' or 'Summer Breeze' or 'Light shining through stained glass near a cabin on the lake, while dolphins frolic near by with otters'.
That doesn't tell me anything about the color. That tells me people who name these things are psychotic, or probably literature majors (or both).
Secondly, the pictures of attractive models with flowing locks of pure silk plastered on the front of every box serve only to distract you from the color inside. You end up buying the color with the prettiest model on the front, only to get home and realize that you actually didn't want 'Sunset Gold' at all.
And, finally, the color will never look like the box. Ever.
That is an ugly fact you just have to accept, women. It will always be two shades too dark or two shades too light, or actually turn your hair purple.
Life with it.
Step Two: Inventory
In any given box of hair dye, you'll get the following items:
Many, many tiny bottles of smelly liquid.
Shampoo and conditioner.
A big bottle you're supposed to use to mix all those tiny bottles of smelly liquid.
Gloves.
And incomprehensible instructions (I assume. I never actually read the instructions. Instructions are for people with no sense of adventure).
Which leads us to...
Step Three: Fucking it up
You will fuck it up.
And it will be your fault.
Just pray you notice your fuck up before you put the dye on your hair.
Step Four: Picking Out Your Color... Again
Step Five: Properly Mixing The Chemicals
Step Six: Covering Your Head in Chemicals
Step Seven: Waiting
Step Eight: Waiting...
Step Nine: More Waiting...
Step Ten: Washing it all out
This is my favorite part, because my dye comes off as bright red, and it makes me look and feel like the prom scene in Carrie.
I often reenact this scene in my shower.
Don't judge me.
And, finally,
Step Eleven: Realizing that you Missed a Huge Section of Hair
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Cella's Weekly Vocabulary: #3
1. Placate: verb (play cayt)
Definition: to soothe or pacify
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: The burglar tried to placate the snarling dog by referring to it as a 'nice doggy' and offering it a treat.
Cella's Sentence: The Joshua tried to placate the snarling, PMSing Cella, by referring to her as 'nice cella' and offering her a treat. Snickers bars always work best.
2. Despot: noun (des puht)
Definition: a king or any ruler with absolute, unlimited power; a tyrant.*
3. Wily: adj (wie lee)
Definition: clever; deceptive
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Yet again, the wily coyote managed to elude the ranchers who wanted to capture it.
Cella's Sentence: Yet again, the not-so wily coyote decided a complicated, and probably expensive, ACME product was his best option for capturing the roadrunner... rather than, you know... buying a fucking gun.
4. Wanton: adj (wahn tuhn)
Definition: undisciplined; unrestrained; reckless.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: The townspeople were outraged by the wanton display of disrespect when they discovered the statue of the town founder covered in graffiti.
Cella's Sentence: You should never let a wanton chef cook your wontons (how dirty does that sound?).
I'm going to formally propose that 'cooking someones wontons' should immediately become slang for anything that's too dirty to mention, or actually explain.
Cella's example sentence: 'We were having a great third date, until he asked me to cook his wontons. After that, I excused myself to the restroom and used the window to escape. Needless to say, I wont be returning his calls.
5. Opprobrium: noun (uh pro bree uhm)
Definition: public disgrace
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: After the scheme to embezzle the elderly was made public, the treasurer resigned in utter opprobrium.
Cella's Sentence: Fred's carnivore nature was regarded as complete opprobrium by the herbivores with whom he lived.
*If you don't recognize the person I've used as an example of a 'despot', please for the love of god pick up a newspaper.
Definition: to soothe or pacify
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: The burglar tried to placate the snarling dog by referring to it as a 'nice doggy' and offering it a treat.
Cella's Sentence: The Joshua tried to placate the snarling, PMSing Cella, by referring to her as 'nice cella' and offering her a treat. Snickers bars always work best.
2. Despot: noun (des puht)
Definition: a king or any ruler with absolute, unlimited power; a tyrant.*
3. Wily: adj (wie lee)
Definition: clever; deceptive
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: Yet again, the wily coyote managed to elude the ranchers who wanted to capture it.
Cella's Sentence: Yet again, the not-so wily coyote decided a complicated, and probably expensive, ACME product was his best option for capturing the roadrunner... rather than, you know... buying a fucking gun.
4. Wanton: adj (wahn tuhn)
Definition: undisciplined; unrestrained; reckless.
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: The townspeople were outraged by the wanton display of disrespect when they discovered the statue of the town founder covered in graffiti.
Cella's Sentence: You should never let a wanton chef cook your wontons (how dirty does that sound?).
I'm going to formally propose that 'cooking someones wontons' should immediately become slang for anything that's too dirty to mention, or actually explain.
Cella's example sentence: 'We were having a great third date, until he asked me to cook his wontons. After that, I excused myself to the restroom and used the window to escape. Needless to say, I wont be returning his calls.
5. Opprobrium: noun (uh pro bree uhm)
Definition: public disgrace
Sample sentence given by people with no understanding of comedy: After the scheme to embezzle the elderly was made public, the treasurer resigned in utter opprobrium.
Cella's Sentence: Fred's carnivore nature was regarded as complete opprobrium by the herbivores with whom he lived.
*If you don't recognize the person I've used as an example of a 'despot', please for the love of god pick up a newspaper.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
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