Cella's Weekly Vocabulary: #2 (1/2)

Don't be mad...

But you're not getting your expected dose of five GRE vocabulary words this week.

Why, you ask?

Long answer is 'I'm way too burnt out on drawing things, and I needed a break from forced labor.'

Short answer is 'I was too busy drawing things that had nothing to do with GRE vocabulary words'.

As a consolation prize, please enjoy this socially awkward brontosaurus:

Showering with Spiders

Let me start off this post by saying, for the record, I'm not scared of spiders.

I'm just... cautious of them.

For the most part, I try to ignore the spiders I encounter.

Because when I try to kill them, this happens:









I like to avoid disappearing spiders.

Joshua, on the other hand, deals with spiders in two different ways, depending on whether or not they have touched him:

Joshua's way of dealing with a spider who has NOT touched him:



Joshua's way of dealing with a spider who HAS touched him:





Joshua's fury is so strong it can actually destroy spiders simply out of fiery anger.










There is no 'gray' area there. If the spider does not touch him it will continue living a happy eight legged life, and will produce many happy eight legged babies.
But if it does, the sheer amount of fury with which Joshua will hunt it down and make it pay not only destroys the spider, but simultaneously results in the spontaneous destruction of all spiders in a three mile radius.

But I tend to just ignore them, and let them be spiders.

There are some exceptions:

1. If they are in a place I use often...

I'm fine if a spider is chilling out in a corner of my room, near my books, and far away from me.
But when that same spider decides he'd rather camp out in the corner next to my bed, then we have a problem.



2. If their body is bigger than a quarter...

This was never a problem in Seattle, where the biggest spider we have (a wolf spider, close relative to the werewolf spider) has a body roughly the size of a nickle.
They're not that big, and I can ignore them and/or pretend it was just a ball of lint running across my floor.






But this was a massive problem in Australia; specifically at Joshua's place in Mackay - an area of tropical Queensland.

You see, Australia wasn't just where the English sent their prisoners.
Oh no.
I'm 99% certain it's ALSO where the ENTIRE ANIMAL KINGDOM sent their most dangerous and murderous prisoners, as well.

Which is how Australia ended up with a horrific spider named the Huntsman.

Take a moment to google image that.

Go on, just one second. What could it hurt, right?

I'll wait...


...

Did you do it?

Will that image haunt you for the rest of your life?!

Damn straight it will.

Because huntsman spiders are spiders on steroids. They're concocted from the cumulative nightmares of all the collective arachnophobics in the world.

Now imagine living in a house with three of them.

Which I did



I once went an entire day not leaving Josh's room, because a huntsman decided to spend the entire day chilling out on his bedroom door frame.



They're not timid either.
Oh no.
The will chase you. Because they know that, if push comes to shove, they could probably eat us all.

Which is why I cannot let any spider larger than a quarter live.

(Josh and I were, in fact, assaulted by a huntsman one night while I slept. Until that moment, none of the spiders had ever touched me in Joshua's house. But this one waited until we were sleeping and defenseless before viciously attempting to maul me.
It was the single worst experience I had in Australia.
Thankfully, it barely touched me (except to land next to my face on the pillow and run down part of my body).
But it ran over Joshua's face. Thereby violating his 'you live until you touch me' policy




3. If the spider and I have 'an agreement'.

I like to think that the spiders I encounter are just like people - they're tying to make due, finding a nice place to live and worrying about what they'll have for dinner.



So I really do try not to kill them.
Sometimes that means striking an agreement with my eight legged roommates, which I always believe they can somehow understand.

This happened when I moved back to the US and found that a spider had decided that the window above my shower was a great place to set up shop and chill out.



Now, I couldn't very well KICK HIM OUT of his home.
He was there first.
So I made a deal with him.



And Mr. Spider kept his part of the bargain



That is, until just recently.

When i noticed another spider had decided to live in the lower corner of my shower



And then a daddy long legs took up residence near my sink

And, finally, a tiny baby spider decided to live near my toilet paper.

Mr. Spider had failed in his duty.

It was time to bring out the vacuum cleaner.



One by one I took care of the spiders living in my bathroom.



*thoip*



*thoip*



*thoip*

Finally, it was me and Mr. Spider. Who betrayed me, by letting the others in.

There was only one problem

Mr Spider had the greatest living arrangement in the world.
Because my vacuum couldn't get to him when he ran into a small crease between the wall and the window.

I tried and I tried.



Finally, exhausted, I admitted defeat.

Mr. Spider had won.

Who Clicks These Things?

I'm mad about ads right now.


For two reasons:

1. Why I'm mad (angry) about ads:

First, while I wait in 'not-single/not-married' limbo, stuck between 'tying the knot' and 'dying a lonely old spinster with no one but cats to keep my company, and the fear that my cats will one day turn on me if I can't get to the cupboard to feed them fast enough', my facebook status is permanently set on engaged.

Which, is fine.

Joshua's visa is finally being processed...



... so it's just a matter of time before he becomes a real, honest to goodness, American resident.

Until then I'm stuck looking at facebook ads for wedding diets, wedding photographers, wedding planners, wedding weeding, wedding reading, wedding gnomes, and all sorts of things I never knew that I was, apparently, supposed to be planning for.



Here are some examples of the ads I've been forced to look at on facebook for last year:





Notice the last few ads on that second one:
An ad for a popular GRE prep program.
And an ad for a masters of psychology program.

These ads, including those for wedding gnomes and wedding boot camps, all specifically relate to the information on my facebook.
Facebook knows that I'm studying for the GRE based on my age, specific words I use on my page, and the fact that I'm a 'fan' of several GRE prep programs already.
And facebook knows that I'm more likely to apply for a psychology program, because that was my bachelor and psychology is listed as one of my 'likes'.

Facebook has sophisticated software robots that collect information about us, and us that information to tailor ads that are, statistically, the most likely to attract our attention and business.




Now, I don't say any of this as a criticism of facebook or their advertisements; this is psychological profiling at its best.

But sometimes this profiling can tell us more about our society as a whole, than our own individual consumer needs.

You see, after I complained to my fiance about the number of wedding ads I see through facebook everyday, he told me he was pretty sick of their ads, too.
But for a different reason.

Since Joshua changed his status to 'engaged' facebook hasn't been flooding him with wedding ads.
They've been flooding him with dating ads.


'Meet single hot women!'

'Single women near you!'

'Cheat on your fiance! Marcella will never know!'

Ok, so maybe that last one was made up.

But here's the point; while the mighty facebook robots have decided that, based on my age and relationship status, I am more likely to look at wedding ads, they have also decided that, based on his age and relationship status, Joshua is more likely to look at ads with half dressed hookers, promising him a good time.

And while Josh continues to mark these ads as 'Offensive', and even commenting on them that he's, obviously, engaged, the ads only stop for a few minutes, before starting up again.



Now, again, I don't blame facebook for this one.

(You're off the hook this time, Mr. Zuckerberg)

But it tells a lot about our society that a male, mid twenties, listed as engaged is statistically likely to click dating sites, doesn't it?

Then again, sometimes facebook just makes mistakes.



Facebook also thinks I'm a registered nurse.

2. Why I'm mad (crazy) about ads:

Look to the right of this page.
You see the ad there?

Oh yeah.

I've sold out.

Google makes it incredibly easy for me to be a sell out, too. I clicked a few buttons and BAM - instant money for selling out.

And they use similar software to the programs that facebook uses to search commonly used words and phrases to decide what ads would appeal to my demographic.

The only problem is it takes a while before google can 'accurately' predict what my demographic even is.

Which has led to some pretty hilarious ads.

Like this one, for a rehab clinic:



Or this one, offering military car discounts:



But my favorite so far has to be the robot ads.

Oh yes, robot ads.

In my last post, I mentioned my fear that robots had finally turned on us, and had broken into my house.

Google took this fear, and decided the best way to advertise to it would be constant ads about robots.



I'd like to point out two things about the above ads:

First, there is apparently such a thing as 'Robot Competitions': something I find both awesome and terrifying (this is natural selection, people. They're getting stronger).

Second, 'Robotic Manipulator' has got to be the single most kick-ass job titled that has ever been dreamed up, ever.






But Google is starting to figure out my demographic.

Like this ad, on one of my GRE vocab posts:



Obviously anyone studying for the GRE is not getting laid.