Rain Induced Amnesia

Earlier this week, our great city suddenly remembered 'Oh wait... I'm Seattle' and our weather went from sunny and happy, to rainy and horrible.

And, for some reason I'll never understand, the introduction of rain causes everyone in Seattle to suddenly forget how to drive.
I call it rain induced amnesia.

Now, before I go any further, I'm sure you're all wondering why on Earth you're reading another driving related blog post. This seems like a reoccurring theme here, doesn't it?
Well, there's a good reason for that.

You see, I spend an extraordinary amount of time in my car.
To explain, I drew a chart of how I spend my time daily:


(notice the exclusion of sleep)

That doesn't leave me with much to write posts about.

Especially considering my average work day pretty much consists of the following:











See? That's not very interesting. And that's pretty much my entire work day.

Anyway, back to the point.

I call this phenomenon rain induced amnesia, and it can be expressed as the following formula:
Rain + Seattle Drivers = Total Chaos.

This is especially dangerous considering Seattle drivers are bad drivers on any given day. But rain changes them from careless to outwardly homicidal.


Here is a Seattle driver on a regular day:



And here is a Seattle diver when it is raining:











I'm guilty of this, as well.
But not purposefully.
You see, as well as turning all other drivers into homicidal maniacs with no depth perception, rain turns my wheels into total dicks.

Things That Make Me Happy...

Yesterday was one of the few bad days I've ever had at my new job.
This is not a reflection on my job, at all. It's not you, job; It's me. I just couldn't seem to do anything right.

For example, I spent four frustrating hours attempting to contact a medical evaluation company. I tried their phone, and it was perpetually busy. I tried their other phone, and it had been disconnected. I tried their fax, and it was also busy. I finally e-mailed them, to which I didn't receive a reply.
Five minutes before I left, and two hours after I had officially given up, I received a call from said company informing me that their power had gone out all morning, but had recorded a record 20-something calls from my office. They expressed both praise at my dedication, and a strong questioning of my sanity.
I didn't really blame them.

My day was so frustrating, that I forgot my newest blog post (which was actually finished early this week) at the office in my rush to get out, and had nothing to scan in when I arrived home.

It's days like this that we need reminding of the good things in life. The little things that make us happy when the world suddenly goes insane, and everything we touch dissolves into massive globs of fail.
So I sat down and made a list of the things that remind me that life isn't so bad after all.

1. High Heels

My dad has a saying; High heels are to women what porn is to men.

I disagree, and always told him that PORN is to women what porn is to men, but he never really believes it. His generation is still clinging to the idea that women view sex the same way we view cleaning the house; yeah, we'll do it, but we're not happy about it, and really we're just taking care of it before things get out of hand.

Also, I never see men displaying their porn in decorative shelves in their closet and squealing about what a deal they got on the new Hustler mag. That doesn't happen. And if it does, I really don't want to know about it.

I think shoes are to women what facial hair is to men. It's a source of pride, and makes us feel warm and comfortable in our gender roles (also, makes us feel warm and comfortable on our feet and faces, respectively).

And Cinderella taught us that shoes are magical. They can transform even the lowest servant into a princess; an idea that I and my peers still cling to.
Albeit, we cling to our own idea of the magical power of high heels. Instead of transforming us into princesses (so passe), high heels can transform this:





Into the combination of a power-hungry CEO...



...and a porn star.



Because that's how I feel in high heels. I feel like a mixture of Hilary Clinton and Dita Von Tease, with a little Suicide Girl thrown in for good measure.
High heels make me happy; be they kitten heels or 6 inch Manolo Blahnik stilettos.

(Side note: That exact negligee is available is several fashion colors at a Victoria Secret near you. You're welcome, VS)

2. Sushi

Sushi makes me happy. Because sushi just looks happy.

I mean, look at it:



Sushi also reminds me to try unexpected things. I was so hesitant to order my first Unagi Nigiri (fresh water eel, nigiri style).
It is now my favorite food of all time.



I will eat Unagi anyway possible. It is amazing.

3. Oversized bath robes.



4. Tae Bo/Kickboxing



I could never kick anyones ass. Due to both lack of physical strength, and the fact that in tense situations I have the survival instincts of a potato bug. I curl up and hope no one notices me.

But Tae Bo and Kickboxing make me feel like I could kick someones ass. I feel primal. I feel powerful.
And just when you feel like you can't do anymore kicks, Billy Blank informs me that we have one more set to do AND WAIT ITS DOUBLE TIME!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

5. Kittens

Because kittens are pretty much the closest you can get to owning a small, fuzzy serial killer.


I recommend that everyone goes and makes their own 'Things that make me happy' list. Put it on your wall, or above your computer. That way, when you have one of those days where you start calculating just how many people you could take out before the cops get you, you can look at your list and remember that the world is still full of kittens and high heels and all sorts of wonderful things.
And I hope it makes you smile.


*For those who have no idea who Billy Blank is, I pity you. Go download his workout videos now.

Clearly not an adult yet

In order to avoid disagreements over money, which can easily tear great relationships apart, my father and I agreed it would be best to document all exchanges of rent/my monthly expenses through e-mail.

This was a great idea, until I remembered that I still behave much like a 5 year old, and lack the ability to take anything seriously.
The following is our e-mail exchange this morning regarding the month of August (all dollar amounts have been replaced with Xs).

Marcella Cline to jcline
show details 11:48 AM


For the month of August I authorise my father, Jack Cline, to remove X from my Chase account to be dolled out in the following:
X for rent and various expenses
X toward the balance of my car, reducing the debt to X
And finally $0 toward the upkeep of Samual Jackson, the pony I was promised as I child and never given.

To which I received the following e-mail.

jcline@XXXXXXXX to me
show details 12:11 PM


You can't name a pony Samual Jackson. I mean, REALLY?

No wonder no one ever gives you ponies.

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to grow up, and out of my 'silly phase'.
But then I talk to my father, and I realise this will likely never happen.

Spiders are One of the Top 10 Causes of Car Accidents*

I've been working on a blog post about Regression Man and Bag Monkey - two cartoon characters I drew for friends over the years, and am still very fond of.

Unfortunately, you'll have to wait for that delightful post.

Because this happened:

I was driving to work Tuesday morning, enjoying the beautiful day, and listening to a highly repetitive tape of GRE words.




"Number 61: Bifurcate. Verb. B - I - F - U - R - C - A - T - E. To divide into two parts"



"Number 62: Blithe. Adjective. B - L - I - T - H - E. Joyful. Cheerful without appropriate thought."







"Number 63: Bolster. Verb. B - O - L - S - T - E - R. To prop up or support."





"Number 64: Cabal. Noun. C - A - B - A - L....








Now, I've lived in a country with some of the scariest spiders in the world.
I have faced pure evil in the form of a spider the size of a dinner plate (don't believe me? Google image Huntsman spider. I dare you)

But I have never been trapped in a car with a spider before this moment. Especially not a fluorescent orange garden spider.

I tried desperately to focus on the road.
But the spider was rather persistent.






I drove the rest of the way, keeping as far away from the spider as possible.










Normally, I never kill spiders. I get Joshua to pick them up and take them outside.

I never understand killing things. It's one of the many reasons I'd be a terrible hunter (that, and my bad vision, aim, and tendency to startle when I hear loud noises. I'd be very lucky if I went 5 mins without shooting someone).

But Joshua was very, very far away. And the spider was very, very close.
I couldn't bring myself to pick him up.

And I knew I couldn't leave him in my car...

There was only one thing to do...































I'm so, so sorry, Mr. Spider.

You will be missed.














*This is actually a total lie. I can't find any statistics to back this up... but doesn't it SOUND like something that could be true?

Things I Don't Understand...

1. Traffic:

We've all been on the freeway during rush hour when you're absolutely certain that getting out and walking would actually be faster.
No one is moving. It's bumper to bumper, and your car starts measuring your distance in inches per hour.

I deal with this every day.





And then, suddenly, traffic starts moving forward.
You go from 3 miles an hour to 60 in just a few seconds.
Magically, every bad driver has disappeared, despite the fact that there isn't an exit in ages





This is confusing in two different ways.
First, why the fuck were we stopped in the first place? The speed limit is 60. Even with 3,000 people all trying to get to the same place, there is no reason we shouldn't ALL be going 60. I don't know why more people somehow equals stopped traffic.

I like to think that it's not people being stupid, but something actually physically blocking the road.
Like a cow.


Or in really bad traffic, a dragon.



That at least makes sense. If there was a dragon on the road, of course traffic wouldn't move until he flew back to terrorize a castle and hold some princess hostage.

The second reason traffic is so perplexing to me is that, at some point, it feels like 90% of the cars you were just stuck in traffic with magically disappear. Like a wizard suddenly swooped down and gave them wings, and they flew away, and traffic cleared up.



This happens to me on the 520 bridge. And let me make this very clear; traffic does NOT clear up until, suddenly, I'm at the very center of the bridge. There is no explanation besides flying cars that explains this. People cannot exit a bridge. Flying cars is the only thing that makes sense.

2. Babies.
Don't get me wrong - babies are easy to understand. Because they're stupid.
But what I don't understand is the DRAW of babies. Women get so excited about babies.

I doubt I'm ever going to have children of my own, so it will be up to my brother to continue our genetic line. Babies scare me. They're way too fragile (why would evolution put a soft spot on the TOP of their head, THE MOST LIKELY PLACE FOR THEM TO FALL ON), and they can't experience empathy, which makes them little sociopaths.

If I want something that's going to smell, take up my time, wake me up because it demands attention, and that will use my house as a toilet, I'll get a dog. Because then at least I wont have to put it through college.



But the number one thing I don't understand about babies is why everyone demands you hold them
I'm clumsy. At the best of times, I'll only manage to break a few things throughout the day.
This is why I should never ever be allowed near children. But people still insist I hold their child. I feel like this is some kind of test, and inevitably I always fail.








3. People who speak English as a first language, but still manage to butcher the language.

Here are some examples:

"Well, for all intensive purposes, that is correct"



"Lets nip this problem in the butt"



"Hold on, I have to stop by the ATM machine"




"I really don't care anymore - I'm ambivalent to it"




And, finally...
4. Loofahs